nothingppɹ؛ɟuɹ

…

I’m sorry too.

o tr,r,nrt upi ys;lomh snpiy yjod

I think I have been there before.

I’m having a hard time doing real life.

-M

There are times when we lose sight of what’s important and struggle to come to grips with the reality of our situation. It’s during times like these that it’s best to remember that nothing is permanent, and that things will eventually get better. Take some time to yourself and cherish each moment as it passes to regain focus and clarity.

ɹǝbuoן ou pןnoɔ
ʎpoq ɹǝɥ uǝɥʍ uo ǝʌıן oʇ
ןnos ɹǝɥ ɹoɟ puıɯ ɐ ɹo
ןǝssǝʌ ɐ ǝq pןnoʍ noʎ
___ _____ _ʎɥʍ s,ʇɐɥʇ
uoıʇıuboɔ ɹnoʎ ɟo
sǝıɹoǝɥʇ ʎןɹɐǝ puɐ ɥɔɹɐǝsǝɹ
noʎ ɟo sɯɐɹbɐıp ǝɹɐ ʎǝɥʇ
ʎuıʇsǝp ʇou sı ʎɐʍɐ buıʇsɐʍ

an uncovered piece of mangled flesh tears to the heart like an exposed nerve i cannot be better than myself so everything is leaving faster than i could ever hope to catch or ever stand to be in any way

self 
or else

alas, 
in flesh
ʇǝɯɹǝʌǝu



red 
more than naught 

s,ɹǝɥʇo oʇ ɹǝpuǝɹɹns ı ǝɹǝɥʍ
ɟןǝsʎɯ ǝuıɟǝp oʇ ǝןqɐun
ɯɐ ı ǝɹǝɥʍ pןɹoʍ ɐ uı
ʇןǝɟ ı ןןɐɯs ʍoɥ ʇsnظ
ǝzıןɐǝɹ ʇ,upıp ı

ʎʞs buıɹnןןɐ uɐ ɥʇɐǝuǝq
sǝıן ǝʌıʇdǝɔǝp ɟo ǝdɐɔspuɐן ɐ
ʇqnop pǝʍopɐɥs puɐ suoıʇɐʇɔǝdxǝ ɟo
pןɹoʍ ɐ uı buıןqɯnʇ

ɯɐ ı ǝɹǝɥ ʇǝʎ puɐ
ǝɟıן ɟo pǝʞsɐ ɹǝʌǝ ǝʌ,ı ןןɐ sı
buıʇuɐʍ punoɟ ɹo pǝɹɐdɯoɔ ʇou
‘ɯɐ ı sɐ ʇsnظ ʇsıxǝ oʇ ‘ǝɯ ɹoɟ
ǝɯ ʇnq buıɥʇʎuɐ ǝq oʇ
sɐʍ ʇı pɹɐɥ ʍoɥ ǝzıןɐǝɹ ʇ,upıp ı

the neighborhood is having a nightmare

there's no forgiveness to forget

nothing left

a smile

on
uo

ʇ ǝʇɐɯǝɹ ɐ s
ʎɐp ɐ ɓoɹǝʌu

oʇ ouʍop ǝpısdn

in these days

i didn’t realize
that the darkness
was created from me

i’m so sorry
that i’m the one
to blame for my own depression

I didn’t realize that life could move so fast, and I’m struggling to keep up. I feel like I’m reaching for something that’s too far away, but I keep pushing myself forward. Each day I am reminded of how much there is to see and do in this world, and how little time there is to do it.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much I’ve been taking life for granted. There’s so much value in every moment, that it’s vital to remember that the clock is ticking and to cherish the opportunities each day brings.

I’m trying to be more mindful of my time, but it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. I need to stop and recognize what’s truly important, and to begin making the most of all the moments.

It’s a work in progress

, but I’m amazed at how much I haven’t realized yet – the little things that can change everything. It’s a process of discovery and appreciation – enjoying the simple joys of life, and acknowledging the beauty of the big ones.

As I take a breath of fresh air, and appreciate the warmth of the sun on my skin, I realize that I’m alive and the world is full of wonders. I’m determined to take the time to savor it all.

, but I’m amazed at how much I haven’t realized yet – the little things that can change everything. It’s a process of discovery and appreciation – enjoying the simple joys of life, and acknowledging the beauty of the big ones.

As I take a breath of fresh air, and appreciate the warmth of the sun on my skin, I realize that I’m alive and the world is full of wonders. I’m determined to take the time to savor it all.

i didn’t realize, that my darkest momentwas when the answers to my fears were right in front of mei didn’t realize, that through these struggles, a strength emerged within memaybe it was always there, but i was simply hidden

i never realized that when the days of summer end,
all that’s left is another winter without a friend

the grass was greener on the other side,
but all that was waiting were sorrows that had no place to hide
so i wander through this dark and broken world,
unable to find a soul who’ll hear my words

but life carries on, regardless of our pain
and eventually, a light of hope will shine again
for i’ve found, when we open our eyes,
a chance

to pick ourselves up and rise

i’ve found true beauty in learning to riseabove our doubts and fears, find courage, and reviveour hearts and minds, that make us braveto face whatever tomorrow may bring

so let us strive, to see the future brightwe’ll break the

shackles of our past, and create anew with the heart, strength, and the will to carryon
i can proudly say, that i didn’t realize
how far i could go, just by believing in mestill exploring, discovering, and learning, even if
we trip along with their way
let us continue, our journey aheadwith courage and strength and the love of those around
for it will soon be revealed, the path to success
let us journey on, the destination is worththe effort and all the hard work

shackles of our past, and create anew with the heart, strength, and the will to carryon
i can proudly say, that i didn’t realize
how far i could go, just by believing in mestill exploring, discovering, and learning, even if
we trip along with their way
let us continue, our journey aheadwith courage and strength and the love of those around
for it will soon be revealed, the path to success
let us journey on, the destination is worththe effort and all the hard work

shackles of our past, and create anew with the heart, strength, and the will to carryon
i can proudly say, that i didn’t realize
how far i could go, just by believing in mestill exploring, discovering, and learning, even if
we trip along with their way
let us continue, our journey aheadwith courage and strength and the love of those around
for it will soon be revealed, the path to success
let us journey on, the destination is worththe effort and all the hard work

shackles of our past

_

Well

I guess I was wrong.

I’ll start putting what they’ve sent me below. Probably missing some pages but hey, I did my best. I tried to make sense of the dates, any order but some were just a guess.

They wanted me to try and give my read or whatever but I’m not sure how to do that. They made me this account but it doesn’t really feel like it’s for me, you know? I’m just borrowing it, until they come back. It’s their journals, after all. Their dreams.

I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. Lots of headaches. Reading just makes it worse. Or light, or noise. The fucking keyboard. Anything. Everything.

Classes are starting again soon. Winter term. I hope to see them there, but honestly I don’t know what to expect at this point. They haven’t responded to my messages for a long time now. I guess that’s why I came back here… because something’s missing. And they must be here sometimes, right?

I don’t know what else I want to say.

Let’s see how this works.

-M

compounding night by night everything has fallen into a mere fraction of what we have seen now imagine what we haven
't

seen yet

It’s like a well of emotions, unfolding time after time. All the moments have been in the making, every day a sign of what’s to come. The stars still glow with hope and the waves keep spilling wonder. The moon still suspends its magic, lifting us from our slumber. We seek the world, trying to find ourselves and in the depths of this well the answers will be unfurled.

It’s not our place to judge all of life’s troubles and we can only hope that all our efforts and struggles will bring us a little closer to joy and salvation with each passing day.

This well of life is full of beauty and surprise, a place of peace in between the madness and the lies. Take a moment and be still and observe, for this is where miracles still occur and can be seen today.

This is the well, a place of marvel and awe. Embrace its wisdom and you’ll never look

_{does not want to be seen}

back again. Its waters run deep and its truths can no longer be kept. Open up your heart, and be prepared for the journey.

Take your time and learn the lessons, for this is the only way you can break free from the chains of the mundane. Explore the possibilities and come back a changed person.

The well will forever be, a powerful symbol of hope and courage. Never forget it and always be grateful. The well will be your friend and guide through tough times, and an oasis of joy during the brightest

. It exists to offer comfort, companionship and peace.

Take a moment to sit and reflect on life. Gaze below to the bottomless depths of the well and be reminded of the depths of our souls. There is a fount of knowledge and emotional understanding within everyone, and when we look deeply into the well, we can understand and grow in ways that we never thought were possible.

The well can be a source of healing for our wounds, allowing us to come out of the darkness and back into the light. It

. It exists to offer comfort, companionship and peace.

Take a moment to sit and reflect on life. Gaze below to the bottomless depths of the well and be reminded of the depths of our souls. There is a fount of knowledge and emotional understanding within everyone, and when we look deeply into the well, we can understand and grow in ways that we never thought were possible.

The well can be a source of healing for our wounds, allowing us to come out of the darkness and back into the light. It

. It exists to offer comfort, companionship and peace.

Take a moment to sit and reflect on life. Gaze below to the bottomless depths of the well and be reminded of the depths of our souls. There is a fount of knowledge and emotional understanding within everyone, and when we look deeply into the well, we can understand and grow in ways that we never thought were possible.

The well can be a source of healing for our wounds, allowing us to come out of the darkness and back into the light. It

sunken haunted speaks

goodnight the fear 
and never the sorrow

rzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

hi , again

( is it again? )
1:42am
i feel like i haven’t been using this

, or any,

resource

as fully

as /////////////xxxxxxdon’t ^{know ₎}

i’ve pretty much abandoned everything, and i knew i’m not reaching out to anyone

likw i should
. there’s been a lot going on, more than i’d like to get into or you’d like to hear.

whoever xxxxxxxxxxxxx\\\\\

i don’t know that either, and that’s probably for the best.
but at the recommendation of my therapist and my inner

meager

conscience, i am going to try and write more.
the course is prone to turbulence and it is difficult to avoid these obstacles, ever present and foreboding,
casting

_{more of the same you more of}

shadows, tearing and ripping the air and anything that happens to exist within it, unfortunate enough to breathe in

it
is

something that makes writing ( and breathing ) difficult, but i don’t know how else to process

what is happening

?

---

---

and never mind the nightmares

---

at this point. they are a constant.

the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXno

is a

backdro

[ uozıɹoɥ ]

i keep trying to post the journal pages but they don’t seem to stick? something about the file sizes maybe. idk

stuff gets out of order, mixed up

but, small goals. baby steps, all that shit.

keeping track of time better would be a good start.
work up to

///////////////////////////////////no

and what they talk about outside of its

[

![[empty nots.png]]

]

impressions – the movements, the motions, the phasing in and out
i know i have to engage with the most difficult parts of this and that’s probably why

there’s a lot of resistance in me to all , every part of it. i thought it would be fun

to explore

illuminate

_{to play around with
[}

![[winding spaces.png]]

]

but it’s discomforting at best.

i’d rather just shut it out, shut down but that doesn’t work so well anymore,
not like it used to
so i have to do something else

with your shaking hands

with my time

[
x ^persephone sorry about your friend ]

// /

steps ]

my stupid petty grievances

(

i keep misspelling simple shit, it’s either me or

thi

////////////////////not

s

^key

those are your _your stupid eyes

)

these scheduled posts aren’t working out so well… but they take so long to upload otherwise.

for no good reason
things keep going missing

, are merged together

.

and the edits… ? well,
mal is a good friend – a gentleman and a scholar – he knows his contributions and support have allways been appreciated… but it’s a little much sometimes.

( and mal, if you’re reading this,

, don’t worry about it

and keep doing what you’re doing. if this helps you work through

this all

or what we haven’t

then i can think of no better use for this

thing.

the whole point was to make sense of it all.. it’s been a few months and i don’t feel any closer to that goal than when i started. so give it a go, man

,

it’s not gonna hurt anything

.

)

i’m glad , since i have

n’t really been up to us ing it lATELY
( but dude you know that you can

////////////break

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxanytoday

)

i’m not sure

given

your

(

xxxxxxxxxxabsence

but it’s not really a

big

xxxxxxxxno?

1:42 a, m clock broken?

lagging bad

go

on

---

line break, new day

evening, really.

late evening, almost late enough to be morning.

---

…………….no it’s definitely morning now, but it wasn’t before ”
i mean of course it wasn’t morning when it was evening, but i mean that before it wasn’t either

i don’t know i think i just need to sleep

---

[[[

rzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

---

---

---

\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\//////

_{your shortest days are here to stay}

---

fuck this

—-

—-

—-

—

—-

---

—-

—–

—-

——

—

–

/
/
///////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////// ///////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////// ////////////////////////////////////////// /…………………………………………………………..
/
/ ………………………………..
/// \\
/ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\

/

/
/
/

h iagain

it’s been a while. you can’t tell, unless you can? but regardless
there’s been a lot going on as usual. in waking life and else
where

i think a few months?

---

---

---

lots of those.

—

=|||/-\|||=

---

=-|-|-=

but that’s not important really

i still get distracted, sidetracked…ted
too easy
i mean easil_y

i need to xxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXtell?

^some_one

there’s a lot i can’t say here,

partly because i don’t know

^you at all

probably, _hopefully

and if i do know xxxxxxxxxxx

( mal i know we talked about

^t_he

|||||||||||||||||||||xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

but i don’t want to put more of this on

_you, not after

everything else

_{i don’t want to do this}

at all

)

_{i’m sorry.}

–

–

–

---

---

i’m sorry for saying sorry.

i told so many people i would stop

i know it’s not my fault, not yours

or anyone’s but still,

i’m sorry.

for whatever it’s worth

)

.

.

.

(

---

i’ll come back later

,

or sooner

_probably

---

— “_{there’s a devil}

on my back
on my waist
on my neck
on my neck

“

—

–

–

---

• _\\\\\\\\\\\
• |||||||]]
• ||||||||||]]]
• /////////////
• //////////
• ////////
• /////
• ///
• /

y our

de cisi on

)

ɹʌu

_{we’ll see what i}

_{k xxxxxxxeeps}

– ]]]]]]]]

– //////////////////

–

–

–

(

---

---

“” it’s a wicked life, isn’t it? “
still true”” it’s a wicked life, isn’t it?
still true

—-

0000 00

_i’ll

be back

_again

later

---

^again

_{accidental but true}i don’t blame you———– you’re – just- one- ‘ eve r y ‘

w h i c h w a _y

---

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_{laid to rest at}

^p

t

he angel of death

_{laughs in the face of recovery}

---

---

---

sn punoɹɐ ןןɐ ‘puoʎǝq ‘ǝʌoqɐ ‘ʎʇdɯǝ ʇou sı ʇɐɥʇ ssǝuʞɹɐp ǝɥʇ ‘ʇɥbıu ןɐuɹǝʇǝ ǝɥʇ ʇunɐɥ ʇɐɥʇ sɹoɹɹɹoɥ ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ puɐ

ǝʌıן oʇ ɥbnouǝǝ ʇɐunʇɹoɟun ǝɟıן uodn pǝʇɔıןɟuı sı ʇɐɥʇ dnos uɐǝpɐɥ ɐ sı ǝɔɐds ɔıɯsoɔ puɐ ǝɯıʇ ʇnq

noʎ ǝɯoɔǝq oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʎǝɥʇ

ǝq oʇ ʇuɐʍ oɥʍ sɹǝɥʇo ʇsnظ ǝɹɐ ʇsǝɹ ǝɥʇ

noʎ ǝuo ʎןuo sı ǝɹǝɥʇ ʇnq sǝɔɐןd sǝɯıʇ ʎuɐɯ uı ǝq ʎɐɯ noʎ

and there are horrors that haunt the eternal night, the darkness that is full of emptiness, above, beyond, all around us

---

---

---

---

i can feel the days getting shorter, passing faster,

dawn breaks as soon as it ^f a l _ls

again

N evermind

I was going to wait for a lull but it never came. Now they’ll be home soon, so it doesn’t matter any way. Not like i could read whatever they were writing… trying just gave me a headache. Sorry not sorry, good riddance, better luck I guess.

Cheers.

-M

ʇuǝsǝɹd snoıɔɐɹoʌ
-ןןɐ ǝɥʇ ʎq pǝɹnoʌǝp ‘ʇsıxǝ oʇ buısɐǝɔ sı ǝɹnʇnɟ ǝɥʇ uɹnʇ sʇı uı os ‘ǝbɐ
ɹɐǝןɔnu ǝɥʇ puɐ ɐɯıɥsoɹıɥ ɟo ʎʇןɐnsɐɔ ɐ ǝɯɐɔǝq ‘sɯɹǝʇ ןɐɔıboןoɥɔʎsd
puɐ ןɐıɔos uı ‘ʇsɐd ǝɥʇ sɐ ʇsnظ ˙sǝʌןǝsɯǝɥʇ ǝsıʌǝɹ oʇ pǝɔɹoɟ buıǝq ǝɹɐ
ǝɹnʇnɟ puɐ ʇuǝsǝɹd ‘ʇsɐd ɟo sʇdǝɔuoɔ ɹno ‘ʎןbuısɐǝɹɔuı

ɯןoɔןɐɯ ʇǝǝʍs

ʍouʞ ɹǝʌǝu ןןıʍ noʎ ǝdoɥ

_________ _ _ _ ______

i am never going home

˙ʎʇıɔıɹoʇsıɥ ɟo ǝɯıbǝɹ ʇsıuɹǝ
-poɯ ‘snoıʌǝɹd ǝɥʇ ɟo ɔıʇsıɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ǝɯıʇ ɟo uoıʇdǝɔuoɔ snoǝuǝboɯoɥ
puɐ ןɐsnɐɔ ‘ɹɐǝuıן ǝɥʇ ɟo buıuopuɐqɐ uɐ ‘ʎʇıןɐɹodɯǝʇ buıpuɐʇsɹǝpun ɟo
ʎɐʍ ʍǝu ɐ sǝıןdɯı ʎʇıɔıɹoʇsıɥ ɟo ǝɯıbǝɹ ʇsıʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ

ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʞɔɐq sǝɯoɔ ǝuo ou

we don’t come home at all

uo puɐ

uo oƃ ǝʍ

and on

uo

chat d’ys

its sadness has given way to a resolve that you know well .

do

you

know

me

…

we

are

only

revolutions

the town is going to talk.

of

ru

in

g r a s p ing

catch life, r e l e a s e

gasping your way through life,

sadism was the flavor of the year

within the journeys between

our destinations

the architecture

is unraveling

itself

the mundanity of every day

pursues in the face of the absurd

the ongoing endings make immortals of us

again

we don’t want to believe

we’re vulnerable

to manipulation

but anyone,

everyone,

can and

will be

so how are you going to trap your life?

why shy away from the reality that pursues you, still

in your ever fallible invulnerability you are not safe yet

trying to find god, failing, continuing in stark denial, growing fear

______

“still we bear this bitter truth every morning,

and by every sundown it seems liable to crush us under its weight”

_____________

my name is lucifer, pleased to meet you

she seemed sure enough to commit her soul, body following

not so afraid anymore

you have your memory of them, but you don’t have them

you know, it could have been you

and i fall from god/s

dealing with an age of hopelessness

at all sides of the threshold

from the heights to rest

below, beneath, between

i’m not at home

/// i’m not at home,not at home \\\ head aches,too much to do any thing

[ you’re having that dream again ]

the most evil think they

can purify the world &

expunge humanity’s sins ;

retribution is the lie those evil/^s

who believe they deserve more

tell themselves to justify their delusions

of superiority.

An animal who believes

themselves above all the others.

it’s easy to forget

how much worse

it could have been

– but they died for no/thing .

_{the killer keeps talking about}

t_{he murders in present tense long after}

_{the weight sinks in, it feels too real, they can’t go thro}u_{gh with the r}e_st.

___________________

[ internal burns are an eminent threat to life ]

I rage, I rage

but there is no change.

charted sǝdɐɔs

alchemize to reflect and interpret the cosmic, the deeply familiar unknown

[ no horizon, no sky at all from all these ang_els ]

ghosts, loss, grief

begin in endings,

end as begun

patterns, out of chaos

& devoted acolytes

in constant flux

[ ^{outer spaces}

& _{inner places} ]

(a) living castles

living ships

missing _elements

a i r // remains

bleeding out spaces /// to spaces / and in again

peace becomes the air of the garden

war remains the water we breathe

we swim and walk and sing,

some times, in what can be

hope was never realistic

but, still,

possibilities

r e m a i n \\\

/// l o s t

demons,var.

man is wolf to man // but he doesn’t know the rest

I remember the old town,

young days

their fear and panic makes less sense

now that I know more

and it never made sense to me at all

en masse like they were

it almost seemed like it was supposed to be

like their,our, their days were normal

but none of this is normal

is it?

ever ruthless and forgetful

it is.

ideas can possess, consume, destroy us.

those who control the flow of ideas, flow us off the ledge

halfway to knowing

halfway going

half way

gone

.